OFUR Christmas Special
by Kit and Minty
Summary: It's the holidays at the Official Fanfiction University of Redwall, and the students are finding out the staff's idea of the Christmas spirit ... Posted separately to avoid messing up the timeline of the main plot. 3rd year's Special now up!
1. Chapter 1

It was nearing winter, the thicker cold-weather coats of both students and staff were coming in, and the University was running as smoothly as could reasonably be expected, despite the Minis' transport pipes occasionally freezing up, and the various stoats' and mountain hares' moulting into their winter coats resulting in a thin layer of brownish fur over every surface in the building.

"So, what do you think of the idea of a holiday celebration?" asked Kit, looking out of the staff room window at the gathering snowclouds. In most fictional worlds, especially children's fantasy fiction, and by extention the Fanfiction University subdimensions, it almost invariably snows around Christmas, no matter what the weather in the real world is like. It sounds nice at first, but being snowed in with several dozen psychotic vermin, various heroes who hate them and make no secret of it, and a couple of hundred students who irritate both the aforementioned groups is a really great way to get cabin fever really quickly. "The staff think it's a great idea."

"Anything which the staff think is a great idea automatically makes me think that banning it is the safest thing to do," groaned Minty. "Remember last year? I didn't even think you _could_ do that with a candy cane … But I suppose there's no reasonable way of stopping them."

"I knew it was inevitable. The vermin were especially particular about Christmas for some reason. I guess they really like the idea of receiving presents. "The rewards of a hard raid without the sweat" were Mokkan's exact words, I think."

"Hmm. Maybe it'll be worth it just to give them something to keep them occupied and quiet for a while," Minty mused.

"It might. Say, should we show some of the traditional Christmas movies? Sure, it will backfire, but since I figure they will try to take it out on the students, well, it will be good for a laugh or two."

"Oh yeeeess." Minty tapped her switch against her paw and smiled evilly. "I'd love to see what they make of the Grinch."

Mr. Kit grinned, a not very pleasant grin. "Oh yes. How about A Christmas Carol as well?"

"Good move. Maybe it'll scare them into behaving. But remind me to stock up on tissues, half the woodlanders will be in tears by the end …"

* * *

Suzi woke up, a bit cold, as the old fashioned fireplace roared in the dorm room. (Despite the installation of indoor plumbing, the Abbey was still not provided with electricity, partly to give the students an idea of the light and heating methods of the Redwall time period, and partly because Kit and Minty were wary of providing the staff with yet another way to cause themselves and each other severe bodily harm.) Suzi was still a bit nervous about the fireplace, which was human sized, but at least the heat was worth it. She got dressed warmly, putting on extra layers which had been thoughtfully provided by the staff. She really disliked the pale green fur lined robes, although, she wasn't sure if it was because of the weird coloured fur, including the patches that seemed to change color, or the fur that looked somehow horribly familiar, that bothered her most. She headed down to breakfast, although she first took the time to help wake up the handful of students who had unwisely chosen to become specimens of hibernating species.

Breakfast was full of hot things, and for some reason cookies shaped like Christmas trees and holly leaves. By this point in the year, the students had given up dividing the tables by "vermin" and "woodlander" and simply sat next to their friends, although the smaller creatures were still very careful to sit far away from the large carnivores, out of a healthy regard for their personal safety. Suzi looked around to check on the location of any dangerous students and to see if anybeast she knew was already in a decent safe spot. Snuffie the wolf was, well, wolfing her food down, as she had done at every meal since her initial food-related shock on the first day, and there was a large space empty of students around her, as nobeast fancied losing a limb from a classmate's overenthusiastic eating. Felana Tanzanite was picking at her food, looking slightly bored and very twitchy from nicotine withdrawal, as her cigarette supply had run out and the vermin who ran the school's black market were too scared of the tiger/leopard hybrid girl to try and make a deal with her. Ana Dogwood was sleeping again, face down in her breakfast. The poor girl had had a problem with her form, calling herself a "Karelian bear dog mix". The applications department apparently knew very little about the "Karelian bear dog", a genuine but not especially well known breed, and Ana was now in fact half bear. It didn't have much of an effect on her appearance except for giving her a slightly bulkier body than usual for that breed of dog and a set of very large claws, but it had unfortunately instilled her with the desire to hibernate.

Suzi finally located Thom, and sat down between him and Zeph Zefire, who was absorbed in conversation with an odd androgynous-looking otter Suzi knew vaguely as Devin. They nodded to her and continued their conversation, but Thom looked up from poking at a cookie with his claw.

"Hi, Suzi. Err, you might want to avoid the cookies."

"Why?" Suzi picked one up and bit down, then yelped as her teeth jarred on it.

"That's why. I don't know what's in these things, but they're hard as bricks! Some of the other rodents are keeping them, though – they said they need something to wear their teeth down. You could try that, but I don't know if you can stand the taste."

"Er, no thanks. Can I have some of that mint tea?" Thom passed the pot over as Suzi looked around. "Hey, where's Greyscale?"

"Busy sewing pockets for hot water bottles inside his clothes. Poor guy, he left the dorm too quickly this morning, got cold and sank into a torpor. Downside of being cold-blooded, I guess. The herbivore guys had to drag him back in front of the fire. Oh, here he comes."

Greyscale the iguana student tottered into the Great Hall, moving very stiffly, which was not entirely surprising as he was wearing so many layers of clothing that his forelimbs stuck out by his sides and his face was nearly invisible under layers of scarves. Sniggers echoed through the room as staff and students noticed him.

"Yeah, laugh it up, I'm not taking any chances," he said in a muffled voice as he sat down. "Tungsten Monk's busy trying to set up a hot-water pipe system with rubber tubing under her clothes. Winter's not much fun for us reptiles."

"Maybe it's a good thing I didn't sign up as a lizard after all," muttered Fallo, the silver-coloured ferret.

Breakfast continued, then Mr. Kit and Miss Minty entered, and caused a stir among the students, as both coordinators were wearing Santa hats. While Mr. Kit's was the traditional shade of red, Miss Minty had a black Santa's hat on, which actually suited her perfectly.

"Excuse me? Attention please? I have an announcement to make," declared Mr. Kit.  
"We have decided to allow Christmas celebrations here. Yes, that does mean all the decorations, the trees, and the presents. Oh, and the Death Pit Theater will be showing Christmas movies. A plothole portal to the _Goreleech_ is open in Cavern Hole if anyone wants to go, we'll be posting a timetable next to it so you can see what's on when. We promise we won't chain you to the seats this time, honestly."

The students paused, then cheered, except for the previous OFU students, who merely looked apprehensive. The three who had gone to the Cats OFU murmured in unison, "Please, no jelly monsters."

"You can hand in any present requests to me," Kit continued. "I sincerely promise that this time we will not creatively misinterpret them. 'Tis the season of goodwill, after all."

The vermin staff members looked distinctly unnerved by this claim, but the students cheered. Maybe, finally, the staff would be forbidden to cause them injury on a daily basis.

"Er, question," said one of the Marlfox brothers (Suzi still couldn't tell them apart). "Does that mean I have to be nice to Mokkan?"

"Yes, it does, Gelltor. And for the students, I would like to remind that some things will simply be impossible to fulfil, of course. The staff members have specifically requested that we do not distribute naked pictures of them, so don't bother asking for that. Not that you'd be able to see very much through their winter pelts anyway. And no, you can't have the actual staff members either."

This statement dashed some students' hopes, and raised some of the canons', but there were still a lot of grins on the student's faces.

Suzi was absolutely thrilled. Maybe she could ask for some extra lessons with Martin. Ooh, she'd always wanted a plushie Martin, or Matthias. That would be so cool! And her candy stash had long since run out, having been eaten or stolen or bargained away for a turn listening to someone's MP3, so a refill was in order. Oh, and maybe hair bleach and blonde dye would be a good idea. Then maybe she could finally remove that damned skunk stripe!

* * *

In the Death Pit Theater, Miss Minty and Mr Kit were sitting in the back, listening to both the movie playing ("How the Grinch Stole Christmas") and the canon who were also watching the movie.

"Minty, this will either instil the vermin with a sense of Christmas spirit or turn them into absolute terrors for the students. And we might have to alert the infirmary. I can hear them planning to ambush Santa," whispered Kit to his partner.

Minty listened closely to the whispers, just audible over the sounds of rustling paper bags and munching of candied chestnuts. Any form of entertainment, anywhere in the multiverse, which involves large groups of beings sitting quietly with food readily available, will be spoiled by idiots who can't keep their snacking quiet.

"Hey. We could set a trap on the roof an' get the Fat Man's presents. That would be great!"

"Ah, yer thinkin' too small. I say we hijack the sled and go to the source of the presents."

"I say we slaughter the animals. Think of all the meat."

There was a smack given to the fox who had made that remark.

"No chance, Shard. That's jes' wasteful. We could use 'em to pull the _Seascab_ upriver. We could raid inland widout leavin' our ships too much."

Kit rolled his eyes. "Corsairs, always thinking about ships."

Miss Minty nodded. "Agreed. Although I do want to see how they react to 'The Nightmare Before Christmas'." She sat back and watched the movie for a few minutes, then something occurred to her. "Kit, did you actually mean it when you said we wouldn't tamper with the presents?"

"Well, I was thinking yes, we wouldn't. The vermin might, but we wouldn't," said Kit. "Come on, it's Christmas …"

"But making students suffer is what we _do!_ That just isn't in the spirit of the Fanfiction University at all!"

"Will you hear me out? As I was saying, it's Christmas. So, if we start being nice to them for a while now, they'll think we're 'really' nice underneath and just needed a chance to show it …"

Minty grinned evilly. "And so it's that much more unpleasant for them when we go back to normal!"

"You read my mind," said Kit with an equally evil grin.

"Besides," Minty added, "if my bygone family Christmases are anything to go by, they'll make each other suffer more than we could ever hope to."

* * *

"So let me go over this again," said Agent Skyfire, Protector of the Plot Continuum, counting off points on her claws. "The humans worship this all-powerful God who can supposedly do absolutely anything, and throughout all human history up to the point we're talking about he makes a big show of this power, smiting unbelivers with thunderbolts and everything. And yet he allows his only son, who is also supposed to be all-powerful and will save the world, to be born in a stable somewhere in a little town in the middle of nowhere, to a couple nobody's ever heard of? Who weren't even technically married yet when the girl became pregnant, and from what I gather this particular human culture wasn't fond of that idea?"

"Yes," said Miss Minty, without looking away from her claws, which she was painting in candy-cane red and white stripes. If the red looked more like the shade of red associated with blood than that of candy, so what?

"And then this child grows up, he doesn't do very much until the age of thirty or so, and he never fights any famous holy wars or finds any important artefacts, or anything like that?"

"Yes."

"And he goes around telling everyone how wonderful it would be if they'd be nice to each other, and he gets nailed to a big stick for it?"

"Yes. But that comes around springtime."

Skyfire stared at the co-ordinator, then turned around to look at Agents Laburnum, Foxglove and Naomi.

"No offence, but … your natural species is very, very weird."

Mr. Kit looked up from his own decoration making, sewing a patch Christmas patches into a scarf. "That it can be, I suppose."

"We know," Agent Laburnum tried to say through her blocked sinuses, and sneezed for the thousandth time.

"I notice you guys don't have colds, you lucky … achoo!" Agent Foxglove interrupted, wrapping her thickly padded winter jacket tighter around herself and tucking in her pink fluffy scarf. The long ears that came with her hare form were tucked firmly under a matching bobble hat. She didn't care how childish it looked; she hated the cold.

"Sorry." Skyfire shrugged. "We can't exactly choose to catch colds, you know."

Her work partner Agent Stormsong looked up, shrugged apologetically and went back to strumming his lute.

"Now, how doth it go? … Ah yes … _O come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant …"_ The weasel played another few bars. "Ah, 'tis a fine song. I freely admit thy customs are strange to me, but at least thy homeland has good taste in music."

Laburnum, Foxglove and Naomi, the only members of the PPC group who were normally human, looked at each other. Laburnum gestured to the other two to lean closer, and whispered in their ears;

"Do not _ever_ let him hear any of those irritating little Christmas jingles, okay? Especially not 'Frosty the Snowman', 'Winter Wonderland' or 'Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer'. Understood? Odds are he'd die of fright."

Minty shrugged and glanced over at the hall, where various staff members were busily engaged in making paperchain decorations. Alright, maybe black, blood-red and bile green were odd colour combinations for Christmas decorations, but it was keeping the vermin happy. Clogg was swearing loudly as he accidentally wove his fur into the tinsel for the fifth time running. Some of the younger vermin had got bored and were playing catch with baubles, at least until Goffa accidentally bounced one off his head, causing it to shatter and thus causing himself a lot of pain and ridicule. Lousewort was sitting waist-deep in piles of unconnected paper loops, looking confused, while Sneezewort rolled on the floor giggling uncontrollably.

"But, but, you said you just have to loop the paper round and stick the ends together!" he wailed.

"It does help if'n yer remember to loop the bits together, dummy!" snapped Lugworm, slapping his forehead.

"Heheheeeeheheeheeheee … iffen I dies laughing … Heehee … stick a paperchain on me grave ter show wot caused it … hahahaahahahahaahaa!" Sneezewort choked out, wiping his eyes. Lousewort gave him a hurt look.

* * *

The canon characters were not the only ones getting ready. A room had been set apart for the students to work on their own decorations, a pretty warm room, to be fair to the students.

"Hey, quit hogging all the pink paper. I need it too."

"Hey, I need it for my paper chain for Cluny."

Most of the students shuddered at that thought, and averted their eyes from Maisie Ann, who was making a paper heart chain, by folding the paper strips in half to make the point of the heart and curving the ends under as she stuck them together. She hummed softly as she strung the loops together. Suzi vaguely recognised the tune as being from one of those Japanese cartoons with the superhero girls in miniskirts – oh, what was it called again? Space Soldier? No, Sailor Moon, that was it.

"OMG!" came a piercing squeal from Sakura-chan, the catgirl – not a cat, a humanoid girl with cat ears and tail – as she saw it. She knelt next to the rat-sized table to make better eye contact. "That's, Oh-Em-Jee, like, _sooooooo_ super-_kawaii!_ And I know that tune – you like the _Bishoujo Senshi_ too?!"

"The what?"

"Sailor Moon! Oh, you are so not _otaku!"_

"Oh! Oh yeah, Mina's my favourite – I have the costume," said Maisie Ann, perking up.

Thom headed over to Suzi. "So, how's it going?"

"Trying to figure out the best card to get Marty to show me how to sword fight."

"I can see." Thom reacted as he took in the mound of failed letters already overflowing from the trashbin by Suzi. _"'Marty'?"_

Suzi ignored him and continued drawing the card. A picture of Martin on the front … no, better yet, a picture of Martin and herself. But without that dumb fur-stripe.

"Hey, can I take that red yarn from your table?" said a voice which she recognised as belonging to Geranium TulipBulb – or, as he now preferred to be called, "Marmalade", not that that name was much better.

"Sure, here you g-" she said, looking up, and stopped. The Cherry Squirrel's tail, as she saw when he unwound it from around his waist under his sweater where he had tucked it to keep warm, had finally dropped its leaves, and the poor creature now resembled a maroon-furred rat.

"Yeah," he said sheepishly, catching her staring. "I need something to cover it up."

* * *

Finally Christmas Eve arrived, and staff and students alike enthusiastically joined in hanging their pawcrafted decorations up in the Great Hall. Unfortunately, this being a Fanfiction University, the process didn't go quite as expected.

"Gonff, I expected better of you than to tie a student to the top of a Christmas tree," Minty lectured the mousethief, switch flicking idly. "Not that I disapprove as such, it's just … unexpected. Vermin doing that, I could understand, but …"

"She badmouthed my wife, Miss Minty," Gonff explained, wrapping a paw around the waist of a smirking Columbine. "Like I told her, an underdeveloped character Columbine may be, but she's also standing behind you with a crossbow and there's nothing wrong with her aim or her hearing."

"Can I come down yet?" wailed Sandflame Montmorency, the unlucky haremaid. "These fairy wings are really itchy and I think I'm getting a nosebleed!"

The conversation was interrupted by a yelp from Kit on the other side of the room. They turned, to see him standing beside a ladder, talking to the squirrel perched at the top, holding a paw to his eyes.

"Argh, Tam! I'm grateful that you're helping with the decorating, but can you let someone _else_ put the streamers up? Or at least change your clothes when you're doing that?"

"Why?" asked the squirrel, unhooking another streamer from the belt holding his kilt in place. Kilt being the operative word.

Greyscale the iguana stepped under the ladder and looked up.

"Yeah, why?" he asked, grinning alarmingly.

Never before had a squirrel climbed down a ladder so fast.

Korora blinked at Greyscale. "I thought the new pheromones thing only worked on similar species."

"It does," the iguana explained, passing another streamer to the nightingale. "There's no physical reaction, but I'm still into him as a character … and it was pretty funny to see his expression."

"Hehe, yes … why don't I find that comforting?" muttered Tam, shuddering and clutching his kilt more tightly around himself.

"I'll get you a fresh supply of pepper spray for Christmas," Kit hissed to him.

"Stop sniggering!" Cluny snapped at his various lackeys, who had paused in their decorating activities to watch the fun. "If we have to join in this wretched display of cheerfulness we can at least do it competently!" He cracked his tail like a bullwhip for good measure. The vermin hurriedly resumed their tasks, Scragg attempting to surreptitiously tie Cheesethief's tail to the bottom rung of a ladder. Cluny whirled around to glare at Matthias, who was looking conspicuously innocent. "And if I hear you whistle 'Jingle Bells' one more time, I'm breaking the staff treaty and gutting you!"

"Ding dong, merrily on high …" Slagar sang quietly. Cluny whisked around and glared at the harlequin-masked fox, who instantly stopped and glanced around innocently as if to find the real source.

"Just watch it, fox, I've got my eye on you," Cluny hissed.

Suddenly Cluny found something pink looping over his head and pinning his arms to his sides. A piercing squeal made every creature in the room cover their ears.

"EEEEEEEE! Super-_kawaii_ shot, Minako-chan!" squeaked Sakura, bouncing up and down and fluffing her hair, which was tied up into odango pigtails to match her outfit, now slightly reconfigured to form a Sailor Moon costume.

"Thanks, Serena," said Maisie Ann cheerfully, trying to readjust her Sailor Venus outfit – it was really made for someone taller, and the skirt didn't have quite the same impact when it reached her knees. Not that it would have looked particularly good on a short, pudgy, bespectacled ratgirl anyway.

_"Usagi-chan!_ The dub's, like, soooooooo _warui!"_

"Ladies," said Cluny in a voice which more intelligent creatures than Sakura would have recognised as meaning Big Trouble. Maisie Ann dropped the end of the paperchain and took a step back. Cluny raised his paws, shredding the paperchain, gritted his teeth and continued, eye blazing at the self-proclaimed bishoujo senshi.

"Would you please explain to me why you thought that the most evil and famous warlord in all of Mossflower's history would not object to being lassoed with a _pink paperchain?"_

"Er … I thought you might appreciate the effort I put into it," Maisie Ann stammered, fumbling with her glasses as Cluny's captains laughed uproariously and beat their fists on the walls or floor. "See, you know Sailor Moon? It's my favourite show. And my favourite character is Sailor Venus, and I have her costume, and, well, I made this to match it. It's a Love-Me Chain! Like it?"

Cluny proceeded to demonstrate that no, he did not.

Kit looked towards the source of the commotion and almost dropped his own glasses.

"No, Cluny, no! That's not what the tinsel's for!"

"Yeah, it breaks too easily to garrotte anyone with - here, use the fairy lights wire."

"Badrang, you're not helping!" snapped Kit as he and the sniggering Minty yanked a snarling Cluny away from his unfortunate stalker. Badrang shrugged and started hanging up the fairy lights – which, being crafted by vermin with no knowledge of electricity and a very weird sense of humour, actually consisted of a string of various skulls, jaws taped shut and eyes glassed over, filled with fireflies. "Cluny, please, we don't need the infirmary staff working overtime today, let go of her!"

"AAH! _Iya, sensei,_ that ain't _kawaii!"_ Sakura squeaked, trying to help the coughing ratgirl and only succeeding in making her panic more, as no rat likes to be pawed by even a half-cat being. "No fair, Clunii-kun, why are you being _meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen?!"_

It took Kit, Minty and two badgers to prise the angry rat's claws from Sakura's face, and she ran to the Infirmary, crying shrilly all the way. Every vermin staff member, most of the woodlanders, and several students, paused in their decorating and cheered.

Suzi, Tiraamilaen, Fallo and Marmalade took full advantage of the distraction to sneakily start hanging up their stockpile of mistletoe. Nobeast noticed them except one or two other students, most of whom gave them the thumbclaws-up sign or winked, signalling that they wouldn't betray them, and one or two of whom joined in. The plants were hung among the other décor, in places which would not be immediately obvious, but were easy to remember and were likely to have staff members walk under them often. Any opportunity was welcome.

Cheesethief caused another handy distraction by trying to walk away and pulling the ladder down, causing the Killconey twins to land on him and start swearing loudly, and causing Scragg to roll on the floor laughing.

"Stop that!" snarled Miss Minty, dragging Girl Killconey out of the tangle of limbs and ladder as Kit tried to untie Cheesethief's tail from the rung. "For once in your lives, _stop_ trying to injure each other!"

"Miss!" called Sagaxus from the doorway. "Scarum's been raiding the kitchens again and he's glued his jaws shut with marchpane!"

"What, again?" groaned Minty. "I'm sorely tempted to leave him like that … no, go make him brush his teeth a few times, that should take care of it …"

"Miss, Sir, I let the Dirgecallers out for a run in the snow and now I can't find them!"

"Leave some raw meat out as bait and try watching for the black tail-tips, Nagru," called Kit, wiping sweat from his forehead fur and sighing. "Wish I hadn't suggested this holiday celebration thing now, who knew even this place could devolve into _this_ much chaos …"

There was another bang, and then Joseph the Bellmaker appeared, wearing a smoking labcoat, with a singed Fellina Perrfelis following him.

"Sorry, had an experiment breakdown. I was trying to rig up a … what's it called? Ee-leck-trix … Oh, a trapped lightning generator. I thought it was a shame to waste all the energy the students use on lusting, so I tried to capture the energy directly from the source. It, well … backfired a little, but I think I know what I did wrong."

"Daddy!" sighed Mariel. "How many times do I have to remind you, you're a bellmaker, not a mad scientist?"

"Got to move with the times, Mariel my dear," said Joseph cheerfully, examining Fellina's tail, which Suzi could see was rife with static. "Hmm, interesting effect … but maybe I should stick with wood-burning equipment next time, it's easier."  
The unfortunate cat had sparks running through her fur and smoke rising from her ears, and was muttering "Electricity, lightning, the lightning."

Mr. Kit sighed and turned to Miss Minty. "I tempted the Overpowers, didn't I?"

"Yeeess," said Miss Minty, through a fixed grin.

Suddenly there was a very loud noise from outside, best described as "slitherclatter_YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHthump"._ Everybeast rushed to the window to see Ascrod, lying face-down in a very deep hollow in a snowdrift, clutching what looked like a gin-trap, a rope leading from his middle to the roof. Kit and Minty ground their teeth as they opened the window to drag him inside.

"Sorry, I thought the safety rope was too long but Vannan wouldn't listen to me!" came a call from the roof, which sounded like Predak. "Oh, and can you tell 'em Gelltor's stuck halfway up the chimney? He _told_ me he could climb it, I know I shouldn't have listened to-"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" bellowed Miss Minty, leaning out of the window as various vermin staff members gleefully rushed to light the fireplace, to the accompaniment of loud panicked screaming and scrambling noises from the flue.

"Oh, Shadow's helping us set up traps for that fat human who brings the presents!" came the cheery reply. "Mokkan said this'd be the best heist yet!"

"Excellent!" yelled Ungatt Trunn, scrambling out through the window and looking up to see Predak leaning over the guttering. "Don't forget to gut the deer properly!"

"For the last time, we're _not_ killing them, we need them to fly back to the North Pole! We want all the presents, not just one load!" snapped the vixen. Trunn pondered this.

"Hmm, that Santa creature's pretty plump, isn't he? And once you've got the directions you won't need him around … Are humans edible?"

Mr Kit started to beat his head on the wall. Miss Minty gritted her teeth and flexed her switch rhythmically, veins twitching in her temples.

Ublaz, who had been busy painting his claws, had only just entered the room, and was thus sadly oblivious to the chaos around him, was examining the newly-decorated tree with a critical eye. He shook his head, then paused to readjust the tinsel entwined in his crown as the end came untucked.

"No, no, this won't do. The tree can't possibly go here, it's terrible Feng Shui and the baubles won't catch the sunlight properly at all."

Mr Kit and Miss Minty both went ominously still as Ublaz spoke. The unfortunate pine marten turned to them, unable to see Minty's expression as she was facing away from him.

"It's no good, we'll have to move the tree. Where should we put it?"

Minty spun round, charged across the room, seized the unlucky Ublaz by the neck and lifted him up to her eye level as she screamed;

_"DON'T TEMPT ME!"_

* * *

Suzi woke up blearily. Someone was shaking her.

"C'mon, Suzi, wake up! It's Christmas Day!"

Suzi sat bolt upright, trying to conceal her instinctive grin of childish glee. Not suitable for her cool and composed image. But she did love Christmas.

"Merry Christmas, Ferin!" she said to the squirrel who had woken her.

"Looks like it is, too – we actually got the presents we asked for!" said Ferin Lightpaw, holding up a package. "I checked, and I _think_ we might have got away without the stinkin' vermin messing with 'em too!"

Suzi whooped and leapt towards the parcels at the foot of her bed.

"Merry Christmas!" Zeph Zefire called, grinning happily and clutching an ornamental knife (blunt-bladed, the staff still didn't trust the students with sharp objects, but very pretty). Suzi guessed that the beribboned dress Zeph was wearing had also been a present, as she'd heard Zeph muttering on and off over the past month about how she needed pretty things to stop the constant comments about her unfortunate gender predicament. Another otter Suzi knew as Adrianna Stormfur waved briefly, then went back to admiring Zeph's new knife, muttering "Ooh, shiiiiny …"

Tipardity the badger girl gathered up her presents and headed to open then, as Suzi pounced on hers, and tore open the wrapping. _Yes! Hair bleach!_ She made a mental note to use it on that damned fur-stripe at the first opportunity. Then maybe the guys would stop joking about tomato juice and making crude comments in terrible French accents … She ripped open the next one and squealed.

"PLUSHIE!"

The cuddly replica of Martin had its seams stretched to the limit as Suzi squeezed it as hard as she could. It had a distinct home-made look, and she guessed one or more of the staff members had sewn it. Possibly modelling it from life, even. She paused. If it was from the staff, she'd better examine it … and, amazingly, it didn't appear to be trapped, it didn't have any odd smells (like, for example, one that could be caused by a skin-contact poison), there wasn't even a misplaced pin sticking out from a seam. It was uncanny.

"Hey, you got a plushie too!" came a voice. Suzi looked up to see Maisie Ann, holding … oh good grief. Suzi was sure there was something _deeply_ wrong with the idea of a cuddly toy Cluny. The fur "fabric" and batwing cloak seemed ominously realistic, and the one button eye somehow had a worryingly accurate evil gleam. Suzi pitied Oaknin, who slept just across from the ratgirl, and hoped the plush Cluny didn't end up sitting on Maisie Ann's bedside table. It wouldn't be fun to wake up in the middle of the night with that eye gleaming in the moonlight and staring at you …

"Shame they decided to put her in the 'prey' dorm with us, isn't it?" hissed calenlily (she had insisted that her name not be capitalised, for some reason her friends failed to comprehend), who had apparently read Suzi's mind. "Guess with all those cats and foxes a good-aligned rat wouldn't stand a chance, but maybe the vermin could deal with that thing better …"

"Deal with it as in burn it?" whispered Avborlanche. "I got a Book of Shadows, maybe I can put a curse on it …"

"By 'Book of Shadows', are you referring to that notebook with a tinfoil star on the cover?" asked calenlily.

"Oh, you are so unenlightened. Just because I haven't written my spells in it yet …"

The girls threw their clothes on and rushed down to breakfast, wanting to meet up with their friends from the other dorms. As they entered the Great Hall, Suzi spotted Gabool lurking in a corner, trying to quietly talk to an irritable-looking Mariel Gullwhacker.

"Now, Miz Mariel," Gabool was saying in an oily voice. "I figger we've been feudin' long enough. Whaddya say we lets bygones be bygones, just fer today?"

"Ha!" Mariel snapped. "You enslaved me, imprisoned my father, tried to kill us both, let your minions kill several of our friends, and now you think you can just smooth everything over with-"

Gabool shoved the long parcel into her paws. "Open it, missy."

Mariel, scowling, peeled back part of the paper. Suzi caught a glimpse of metal. Mariel froze, and her face settled into an expression of rapture.

"All is forgiven," she said shortly, turned on her heel, pushed past Suzi and Thom, and ran down the corridor, presumably to her room, still grinning broadly. Gabool smirked.

As Suzi sat down, she briefly considered asking what the package had been, but, having spent the past three months getting to know the staff, decided she probably didn't want to know. She glanced around and grabbed some toast, but didn't eat it. She was too preoccupied wondering where the mistletoe she and her fellow lusters had painstakingly hung around the Hall had gone. The plants had been hard to come by, costing quite a lot on the vermin black market (going six bars of chocolate for a single plant), and now they had all vanished.

Ilexsco, a few seats down from Suzi, looked up from poking at a slab of ominously bright pink meat.

"Oh, hey there. Any idea what this might be?"

Suzi blinked. "Er … no, sorry, I haven't eaten much meat since I arrived here, so I'm out of practice with it. Not great for mouse digestion."

"Oh." The vixen sniffed at the meat again. "To say it's a present from the staff, it smells pretty clean. The wrapping wasn't tampered with, so it's probably safe. It smells fresh and I can tell it's been cooked reasonably, but the glitter's a little off-putting …"

Suddenly, a ferret with red-stained paws and thick black eyeliner stood up from the staff table.

"Attention, students. My friend Farran and I noticed all the lovely mistletoe just scatttered around, and we decided to be nice and return it to you." He grinned ominously and tapped his claws together. "Did you know that mistletoe is poisonous?"

Everyone slowly looked down at their food and pushed the plates away from themselves.  
Some ran for the door, probably heading for either the Infirmary or the bathrooms. Tiraamilaen was violently sick and Marmalade passed out.

Snuffie prodded at her breakfast again, and muttered, "So that explains why I didn't need to kill it again." Several creatures gave her very odd looks. "What? It tastes pretty good, even if I do need to make sure it's totally dead before eating."

Various other students gave the mistletoe-distributors very unpleasant glares. Suzi shrank down in her seat and thanked her lucky stars she hadn't yet eaten anything. Maybe the ferret was lying, but you never knew around here. She couldn't help but notice that even most of the staff members who weren't actively applauding looked faintly smug. A black-furred, golden-eyed fox gave the ferret a thumbclaws-up. A bigger ferret with green and purple face paint and red-painted fangs clapped the red-pawed one on the back and said "That's my lad!" A mousemaid sitting on the ferret boy's other side looked very annoyed.

Ilex continued sniffing at the steak. "Well, I can't smell any poisons I know of on this … and I am pretty hungry … ah, what the hell." She dug in, her friends giving her decidedly worried looks, as if half expecting the steak to explode as it came in contact with her mouth.

"How does it taste?" asked Eryss Shadowclaw nervously.

"Fine, but … slightly sweet. Tastes kinda like it was cooked in honey or something," said Ilex dubiously through a mouthful, glitter staining her whiskers. "It's not too bad, though."

Aaron Füchs stared fixedly at Ilex's face, golden brush perking up as much as a fox's muscles can lift a tail made of solid metal.

"Hey, Ilex, did I ever tell you you're pretty?" he said suddenly, grinning broadly. Ilex stopped eating, and looked down at her plate.

"What the hell was in that thing?"

Suddenly, Fallo provided a welcome distraction for her as he screamed, tore off the earphones of his new iPod and threw it to the floor as he fled the room, still screaming loudly. Every creature who saw him blinked in surprise, except for Romsca, who started to snigger. Kit and Minty turned slowly to face her.

Miss Minty broke the silence. "What did you _do_ to him?"

Suzi darted forward, picked up the iPod's earphones and held them to her ears. She immediately wished she hadn't, as a chorus of shrill off-key voices pierced her eardrums at a painful volume.

_"… and a smile means friendship to ev'ryone, though the mountains divide and the oceans are wide, it's a small world after all …"_

Romsca, meanwhile, had managed to produce an explanation between fits of laughter, accompanied by the giggling of various other female mustelids (Kurda, Fragorl and Girl Killconey laughing hardest, Agent Skyfire trying to hide her smile). The co-ordinators looked very impressed.

"So that's why you were so keen to teach the Dibbuns' Choir."

Suzi rubbed her ears, trying to get the annoying singing out, when she spotted Zeph's weird friend again, and had to shut her eyes. He was carrying a truly ugly rubber devil duck, in one of the eye-burning OFU colours. Most of the students looked away, whimpering.

"Augh, Devin, get that thing out of my face!" snapped Zeph, leaning away and covering her eyes. "You are seriously using up your friend points with that!"

"Bwahahaha! You will bow before Devin Darkwater the Daring and my Demon Ducky!" the otter yelled, waving said toy in the air. "Ain't it cute? And evil!"

"No, it's _not_ cute!" snapped Blake Lither, the shapeshifter boy, melding his eyelids temporarily shut and adding another couple of layers of skin on top for good measure. "Why did you have to get one in Urple?"

"Urple is cool." Devin cuddled the hideous ducky protectively.

"GET HER AWAY!"

"COME BACK HERE!"

A one-eared fox, fur soaking wet, wearing nothing but a tattered yellow cloak, a shiny ribbon round his neck, and a broken shackle on one ankle, dashed into the room and out the other door, closely followed by Felana, who was huffing as she tried to keep her balance on her high-heeled shoes, which were terribly awkward for a digitigrade species as they walk almost on tiptoe anyway.

There was one of those long silences in which every creature involved is simultaneously thinking "What the HELL was that?"

Felana backed very slowly back into the room, and a ferret and a fox, both dressed in black, followed with her intended victim in tow. The students had seen the Protectors of the Plot Continuum in action before, and a wince on Felana's behalf went around the hall. Few of the students liked her overmuch, but they wouldn't wish the PPC on her, especially not PPC agents wielding the weapon the fox was holding – it looked like a very big gun with an unusually wide barrel, and he was pointing it directly at Felana's heart. Suzi strained her ears and could make out the fox in black muttering something about "damn Suethors and their fox-destroying ways". The ferret – what was her name? Laburnum, that was it, the staff winced whenever they mentioned her – was hugging the one-eared fox tightly, and he was apparently trying to hide behind her, not succeeding very well since she was less than half his height and possibly a fifth his weight. A grey-furred weasel followed them, shaking violently and being comforted by a stoat and hare, also all in black.

"Miss Tanzanite, remember when your mother told you that if a nasty man wanted to touch you in a way you didn't like, you were allowed to say no?" said Laburnum, smiling lazily and brandishing a knife with the paw that wasn't over the shoulders of the trembling fox. "That goes both ways, y'know."

"Don't be silly, he loves it!" said Felana with a condescending chuckle. "Now if I can take him and leave, I need to finish bathing him …"

The black-clad fox raised his weapon again. "No. Leave, or I will shoot." The gun made a strange humming noise.

"No! _My_ present!" Felana snapped. "Okay, he's a little uglier and a lot smaller than I really need, but I don't care, he came with his own shackles and he cries so adorably!"

"Okay. That's it." Drake started to tighten his grip on the trigger when…

"DRAKE! No railguns in OFUR!"

A black-clad female badger reached down and wrestled the gun away from Drake, finally hitting him on the nose to make him let go.

"My gun! Naomi, she hurts foxes! She must die!"

"No railguns in HQ and the OFUs. You know the rules, now give it to me. GIVE IT!"

The fox lost the tug of war, then grinned again, a crazy grin that made Suzi very nervous. Two weapons were pulled from the fox's belt. They looked like innocent spoons at first, but the students were by now familiar with Agent Drake's prowess with the combat spork.

"Whoa, Drake!" interrupted Laburnum. "Normally I'd let you go ahead and spork her, I don't like her and she's scared Skalrag pretty badly, but maybe we should let her explain what's going on."

The ferret shifted uncomfortably as everybeast in the hall stared at her.

"Well, he's hardly one of her usual targets, is he? And she doesn't strike me as the type to just go for a weaker target … ahem. Okay, let her explain herself, _then_ we can spork her." Drake's face broke into a wider grin.

"May I join in?" said Skyfire, glaring at Felana. "Miss Tanzanite, do you have any idea what your actions have done to my partner? Self control, Stormsong, self control …" she hissed to the hyperventilating weasel. "And poor Skalrag!"

"He doesn't mind!" snapped Felana. "The note on the package said he likes me and he volunteered …"

"And you think he chained himself up and shut himself in a parcel? Sure he did," muttered Naomi.

"I didn't volunteer!" snapped Skalrag. "Badrang chloroformed me and next thing I knew I was chained up in a box in the Predator Females' dorm with a pounding headache and a bloody satin ribbon round my neck!"

There was a brief pause, and then the Protectors turned and pointed their weapons at Badrang, who smirked and said "Guilty as charged, I'm afraid."

"Badrang, we specifically said we would _not_ allow any of the students to get slaves for Christmas!" snapped Kit.

"He told Clogg where I keep my eggnog supply. He deserved what he got."

Clogg, sitting at the other end of the table, hiccupped and grinned.

For the first time since Suzi had known her, Felana looked slightly embarrassed.

"Oh, er … I'm sorry?"

"Now that's better, Miss Tanzanite," said Agent Skyfire, smiling. "Now, next time you really should make sure that … no, _don't_ try to hug him!"

And once again, breakfast at OFUR degenerated into a free show for the students, as Kit and Minty yelled at Badrang and Felana; Naomi attempted to restrain the beserk Drake from disembowelling said stoat and student; Stormsong gave in to his oncoming flashback and curled up, sobbing; Skyfire and Foxglove tried to calm him, Skyfire joining in the yelling at Badrang as she did so; and Laburnum quietly led the crying Skalrag away, muttering "C'mon, fella, let's go find you some clothes and I'll read you _Fantastic Mister Fox …"_

Suzi shrugged and sniffed her toast to try and detect mistletoe contamination, in the hopes that it was clean and she could actually eat it. Yes, just a normal morning at OFUR. The chaos was actually kind of comforting by now.

* * *

Suzi couldn't believe her luck as Martin approached her, Minis flanking him. Suzi held her ground as her sense of self-preservation, heightnened by previous encounters by the Minis, held her back.

"Well, hello – Miss Goldenfur, is it? Do you think you could assist me with opening my presents? My friends are all busy at the moment, but if it's not too much trouble …"

Suzi's inner luster overloaded, although her sense of self-preservation only just managed to keep her from attracting the Minis' wrath. She nodded, her voice having fled her as she thought of what this meant. Her letter must have worked.

They eventually reached his room and entered, Suzi marvelling at the gifts, and she seized one.

"Hmm. From Badrang. What would that creepy old goat be sending you? I thought he didn't like you."

"Why don't you see?"

Lost in her bliss, Suzi didn't notice Martin edging out the door as she tore open the package.

The last thing Suzi saw before losing consciousness was the red of a stick of dynamite. The last thing she heard was the sound of a fizzing fuse, closely followed by a loud KABOOM.

Yet again, Suzi woke up in the Infirmary.

"Ow," she whimpered, putting a paw to her head.

"They got you too, huh?" came a voice from the next bed. Suzi looked up to see Maisie Ann, one paw in a sling and broken glasses hanging off her snout.

"Me too," said a ratboy Suzi had heard referred to as Maligant, who was in the bed across from Maisie Ann, still pinching his nose to stop the bleeding. "Bloody Sagitar … 'I was told to expect a clock', my tail." He sighed. "Damn, she's hot when she's evil like that."

"What the heck was that?" asked Suzi.

"The staff taking out their feuds on you, I think," came a slow electronic voice from the doorway. The invalids turned to see Malkin Gray the mute wildcat, shoulders shaking wildly and face contorting in his trademark silent laughter. He held up a strange-looking device and tapped on its keyboard for a while. "I got this voice synthesizer in with my presents. It's hard to use, but it's pretty handy sometimes. Like when I'm laughing too hard to write a note." He collapsed again, laughing silently.

"Mooommyyy, I see Grandma," burbled the semi-conscious Eryss, in another bed halfway down the ward.

"I think she must have not ducked in time, she got hit worse than us," said Maligant, gesturing towards the delirious cat. "Sister Cicely said she'll be fine, but she's going to be out for a while."

"Ah, you're awake, Miss Goldenfur?" said a vole wearing a nametag reading "Sister Viola", coming over from the other end of the room and feeling Suzi's forehead. "I think you can go now, you weren't hurt too badly, but I'd advise you to wash your face before you go back downstairs."

As Suzi left the Infirmary, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the window across the corridor. Her facial fur was now completely black and singed, patches missing entirely.

She sighed. Well, at least the skunk-stripe _was_ gone.

* * *

Christmas dinner was a nice meal, with all students and staff digging in. The food was the familiar Christmas fare rather than the Abbey food – there was actual identifiable meat, though many of the students avoided it as meat is very bad for the digestive systems of herbivorous creatures, there was cream made with actual milk rather than the oddly tangy greensap milk, and so on – and the students enjoyed it while they could. This time there was, fortunately, apparently no poison.

Suddenly, the occasion was marred when a breathless hare entered. After a muttered conversation, both co-ordinators got up and left the room, moving with purposeful strides.

Suzi glanced around and saw Sakura, who was staring intently into something that appeared to be a kaleidoscope. Something was wrong, but Suzi couldn't quite put her claw on what it was. Then it struck her. Sakura was being quiet. In fact, she hadn't produced one of her earsplitting squeals all morning. The catgirl looked up, grinned dreamily, burbled "Pretty lights, preeeeetteeeeeey," and collapsed facedown in her food, drooling.

Ilexsco declared, "Maybe we should thank the staff for doping her Pocky. I don't know what they put in it, but I knew it smelled funny. Couldn't think of a better present for myself – it's the first time since I've known her that she's actually shut up!"

The students and some of the staff cheered at Ilexsco's words, especially those who had suffered from sharing the Predator Females' dorm with Sakura and knew what Ilex meant. Veil Sixclaw stood up and bowed, smiling modestly. Malkin swiftly scrawled out a sign reading "Applause and wolf-whistle", since it's very hard to make anything coming out of a voice synthesiser sound enthusiastic.

_"Hey!_ So that who's got my nip. Sixclaw, you rotten little catnip thief!" Gabool the Wild stood up and waved his spoon of Christmas pudding at Veil, accidentally launching it at a blue-striped badger student and hitting him in the eye.

"SORDFANG! You're gonna pay for that!" the badger roared at another badger student on the next table, and hurled a fork. It missed and bounced off Aaron's fortunately-metallic tail with a clatter.

"I didn't do anything, but if you want a fight you're goin' down, _Lexie!"_ howled Stripey Sordfang, turning and leaping at the first badger.

"It's _Alexander Bluestripe,_ you slimey little geek!" Alexander yelled, dodging. Stripey skidded across the table, knocking food everywhere and landed in Ana Dogwood's lap, causing her to wake up with a yelp. She shoved Stripey off herself and knocked her beaker onto his head.

"My new shoes!" screamed Felana Tanzanite as Ana's drink splattered onto her footpaws. "You … you …" Finding herself stuck for an appropriate curse, she settled for hurling the gravy boat at the bear-dog, who dodged in time despite her sleepiness, leaving Twiggy Papaya to be hit instead.

"OW!" wailed the osprey, feathers dripping. "Eww, I don't even _like_ gravy!" She tried to shake it off herself, splattering it all over nearby students, who retaliated.

"Great, a food fight!" yelled Klitch from the staff table, and started throwing whatever came to paw, quickly joined by Goffa, Veil, Gruven and Badredd. Some of the canon woodlander youths glanced at each other, then shrugged and leapt into the rapidly escalating fray.

Pretty soon food was going every which way, and nearly every creature in the hall was joining in the fight, although the hares and one or two vermin doggedly ignored it and kept on eating, some actually reaching up to snare some food as it whizzed by their ears. Suzi and Thom huddled under the table for protection from the rain of food, glancing out to see how their friends and favoured characters were doing. Joseph, the bellmaker-turned-amateur-scientist, was helping Timballisto craft a miniature catapult out of cutlery, a beaker and a ball of string from his pocket, as a laughing Dandin shielded them with a platter. Gulo the Savage was not joining in, but he was eyeing up some of the plumper students and muttering something about "quick seasoning". Agent Stormsong was hiding under the staff table, covering his head. Skyfire ducked under briefly with him, then shrugged and scrambled back out to join the other agents in the battle. Laburnum and Foxglove laughed and howled battle cries, Naomi attempted to prise the railgun out of Drake's paws, yelling, "No, it's _not_ okay if it's loaded with food instead of sporks!" Avborlanche, the vampiric squirrel, was also hiding under the table, frantically trying to swallow the last of her bowlful of blood before somebeast snatched it from her paws and used it for ammunition. Twiggy, Tungsten Monk and calenlily had teamed up, each taking turns to hit a target before moving on. Zeph Zefire and Devin Darkwater were also teaming up, fighting back-to-back. Alexander and Stripey had given up food fighting and were actually wrestling on the floor, slipping constantly but still battling gamely. Ilex was joining in merrily, somehow managing to avoid being hit by anything – Suzi actually saw her neatly catch a tangerine that had been hurtling towards her face. Blake, the shapeshifter, had sprouted extra arms and was hurling food in a manner more suited to a snowblower than a human being.

Unfortunately, everybeast was so busy screaming battle cries and either throwing or trying to find ammunition that none of them heard the door open.

"Stop this nonsense this instant."

Everybeast heard Miss Minty, and stopped still. Basil Stag Hare and Cheek the otter simultaneously reached up their paws from under the table to grab food that was no longer flying and waggled their paws around as they grabbed nothing. They popped back up and stopped as they saw Mr Kit and Miss Minty, standing in the doorway and frowning. Everybeast tried to look innocent under the splatters of food on their faces.

"Ahem," Mr Kit began, dragging two creatures forward from the corridor. They appeared to be Grissoul and Raventail, wearing white robes (or at least Raventail's had presumably been white, once, it was hard to tell under the stains) and ivy-leaf crowns, the vixen clutching a flint knife. Oaknin and Brakken stepped out from behind Mr Kit, tugging at the cords which bound their paws. "We're sorry we had to rush out like that, but there was an emergency. And we'd like to remind all vermin staff members that, while we appreciate their attempts to better understand the students' culture, humans have not practiced blood sacrifices at the midwinter holiday for about two thousand years, and we should not attempt to resurrect this tradition. Sorry about this, young ladies," he added to the rescued students, taking the knife from Grissoul and cutting their bonds with it. They rubbed their wrists as Miss Minty stepped forward, tapping her switch against her leg and flicking her tail.

"Now, kiddies, we don't allow food fighting in the Great Hall," said the wolverine, smirking ominously. Every student gulped, but Miss Minty suddenly broke into the nearest thing to an actual smile they'd seen on her. "Why bother when there's all that snow outside?" She gestured to the window. "Have at it."

Whooping and cheering at having escaped punishment, at least for now, students and staff poured out into the grounds.

Pikkle Ffolger, still industriously eating, stood up and went to the window, looking confused.

"Silly beasts. Why would they want to go and run around in nasty cold snow when there's all this scoff left, wot?"

"Mmrrgghfff, dunno," Scarum managed to say through a mouthful.

"I don't know either," said Greyscale with a shrug. "C'mon, TM, let's go wash up and see if that wood-burning heat lamp Joseph made works …" The reptilian students slunk out of the hall, followed by a sulky Felana Tanzanite, muttering about how she needed a shower. Pikkle remained at the window, watching Sandflame Montmorency helping Tipardity shake snow down from a tree on top of Maligant.

"Strange gel," he muttered. "Ah well, anybeast could tell she's still human at heart, no full-blooded hare would want to leave food uneaten …"

"Oi! Bunny!" called Dingeye from back at the table. "Less yappin', we ain't done with the contest! Or are yer givin' up already?"

"Don't dare take on two at a time, huh?" Thura took his face out of the cream jug long enough to interrupt.

"Oh, trust me, sir stoat, I am most confident." Pikkle calmly sat down and resumed the eating contest, joined swiftly by Basil and Fleetscut. Agent Foxglove, already bloated and going very green under her fur, attempted to join in, but was quickly dragged away by Stormsong and Laburnum.

"Awww, but I can – urp – cope with it!" she wailed. "I'm a hare now, I gotta eat a lot …"

"An _out-of-practice_ hare," Laburnum told her. "You're trying to eat about five times what you usually do, you'll burst. C'mon, I'm feeling queasy too, let's go take a break upstairs or something." She glanced out of the window as the agents passed it, and saw Ilex, who was walking through a hail of snowballs without being hit by a single one and looking terribly puzzled. "Nice to see that Sue we caught yesterday went to good use. Poor Ilex, she must be so confused. Maybe we should have drained off the Aura of Smooth …"

Damug Warfang, standing up to leave, looked at Gabool, who was sulking in the corner, still muttering to himself about the "lousy nip thief".

"You do realise catnip doesn't work on rats, right?"

"I figger it'll work if I keep tryin' long enough."

* * *

Much later that afternoon, most of the students were sitting in front of the fire in Cavern Hole, wrapped in towels, cold and wet but happy. The unfortunates chosen by staff to take the injuries from booby-trapped presents were now out of the Infirmary, though some of the hares were back in the Infirmary having their stomachs pumped. Greyscale and Tungsten Monk had stayed inside and thus had been able to stake out the best spots in front of the roaring fireplace, much to the chagrin of the other students. Snakes have good faces for smirking, and Tungsten Monk was doing so impressively. Fallo was curled up, shivering and sneezing violently; Deyna had unsurprisingly objected to Fallo's pawing of his sister Mhera and had dropped him in the Abbey pond, which would have been bad enough if the pond in question hadn't been frozen over. Fellina Perrfelis was trying to help by tucking a blanket over him and pondering to herself whether it was worth offering to share her gift of tea (actual tea leaves rather than mint, counted as a "non-canonical foodstuff" and thus usually unavailable) with him. Ilexsco, who had remained perfectly dry and untouched throughout the snowball fight thanks to the Aura of Smooth provided by the Sue steak, was examining her paws closely, muttering "When did my fur get so shiny?" while several other students, mainly male foxes, kept glancing toward her with starstruck expressions. Alexander Bluestripe and Stripey Sordfang were sitting on opposite sides of the room, sulking.

"Hey, Thom," said Suzi, plunking down next to him in a quiet corner by the door. "Got a tissue?"

"Cold's kicked in, eh?" he said, passing Suzi the box of tissues. "Ah, it was worth it. Did you see me hit Marmalade at three hundred paces?"

"Yes, and I also saw you get divebombed by Twiggy and Korora five seconds later," said Suzi, grinning. The weasel grinned and punched her gently in the arm.

"Heh. Merry Christmas, Suze."

Suzi sighed happily and sipped her mint tea. "Merry Christmas, Thom …"

Suzi paused as she overheard a voice from outside the Hall, and she put her ear to the wood to listen better. It sounded like Joseph the Bellmaker, and rapidly increased in volume until she could make out each individual word.

"Wait, _you let my daughter have a WHAT?!" _

KABOOM!

The mouse-sized doors blew off their hinges and flew across the room, miraculously missing the students, though Suzi swore she felt one brush the tips of her whiskers as she leapt back. They slammed into the opposite wall, allowing everybeast to see the metal pellets embedded in the wood.

All heads turned to face the doorway, in which stood a smiling Mariel Gullwhacker, wielding a large, shiny, double-barrelled shotgun.

"Hey, everyone! Look what I got!" she yelled happily.

Everybeast was very, very quiet for the rest of the day.

* * *

Suzi went to bed happy, although, given that this was an OFU, she was fairly sure it would be back to its usual tortuous routine soon. As she dozed off, she wondered what her family would be doing for Christmas, and what she'd be doing with them if she were back home, still as plain old Susan Smith. Well, her dad would probably have struggled with the electric carving knife again – it had practically been tradition in the Smith family that the children learned new swear words from Dad during Christmas dinner. Grandma and various aunts and uncles would be visiting; the aunts would always pinch her cheeks and express surprise that she'd grown in the year, or possibly longer, since they'd seen her, and the uncles would bore everyone stupid with rambling about bygone Christmases or their childhoods in general or (for some reason she'd never worked out) the route they'd taken to get to the Smith family house. And both sets always gave her socks or something for Christmas and expected her to be polite about it. Her brother would be whining when the batteries in one of his presents ran out, or when a cousin beat him at X-Box, and there would be wrapping paper and bits of plastic all over the floor, so you had to sift through it before taking a step in case you trod on a kid's present and made them start screaming as well as puncturing your foot. Oh, and _then_ being forced to play charades, the mere idea made her shudder …

Whereas here, she'd narrowly escaped being poisoned, blown up, drowned in food, drowned or frozen in a snowfight, and hit by flying doors and shotgun pellets, all within a single day.

She sighed and rolled over, smiling. No; for once at the OFUR, she wasn't complaining.

_Happy relevant winter holidays to all our readers, and a happy New Year._

* * *

**Miss Minty: Since Kit's unavailable at the moment, I'll do the notes myself. Here's hoping he has a happy holiday, whatever he's doing. I'll edit to add notes from him when he comes back.**

**Anyway, the timing is pretty awkward, but we're proud of this and happy that we didn't get any spoilers for chapters currently in the planning, since they'd take place before Christmas since the main plotline is still in September. Which is why we've posted this separately on the Pit, to keep it from screwing up the main timeline. May go back and edit this chapter as the autumn and winter chapters of the main plotline unfold, but I think it's fine for now. The only spoiler we've shown was that the Protectors will be turning up and staying at the OFUR, but that's less of a spoiler than a taster. Keep an eye out for 'em. Those unfamiliar with the Protectors may need to keep in mind what they've learned about them from this chapter – particularly Stormsong's unfortunate tendency to flash back to the death he was going to suffer in the fic he was rescued from whenever he is reminded of said death, or possibly just generally very very frightened.**

**Had to cut some of the jokes we were planning so we could keep the rating down, since we want everyone to enjoy the Special chapter, but they'll be used in later chapters with R ratings and more warnings. Watch carefully for those chapters, we don't want your folks sending us nasty emails if they find you reading them. Don't worry, we'll make sure these are not chapters which contain any vital plot elements.**

**Sorry if your character didn't get to do much, but we did get every applicant so far mentioned at least once. We made a list and checked it twice ;) We're sorry, but time and space limited how many people could do something big. Yes, we've decided to allow Blake to keep the shapeshifting powers he mentioned on his form, but in later chapters we'll be seeing the disadvantages … no more info on that, I don't want to spoil it. Don't worry, Sandflame was brought down from the top of the tree pretty quickly once the co-ordinators were no longer going beserk, and Ilex's Aura of Smooth will wear off within the day – usually it's drained off the Sues used for meat and blood among the carnivorous students and Protectors, but the agents have an odd sense of humour, so they "forgot" to this time. And no, we don't really approve of giving drugs to twelve-year-olds, but Sakura really was asking for it, and catnip is harmless anyway.**

**So, here's to the holidays, and to hoping your respective winter celebrations are more interesting than Suzi's family Christmas and less dangerous and painful than the OFUR Christmas. Bye for now!**


	2. Chapter 2

OFUR Xmas Special

Christmas Eve at the OFUR, and all through the Abbey

Not a creature was stirring – mouse, rat, dog, or tabby –

Except a young ferret whose first name is Molly,

Who got up to search in hopes of a new dolly.

As silent and soft as an ant in a tomb,

Molly slipped out of bed and crept to the next room.

Two assassins were sleeping, curled up in their beds,

While visions of Sue-slaying danced in their heads

And Bleeproducts freely flowed all through their veins,

And they snored with the sound of a dozen freight trains.

Molly searched Foxglove's cupboard, dismissing her worry

That she'd wake the girls up – but she would have to hurry.

There were so many places she had to search through;

Cupboards and drawers and beneath the beds too …

And under the mattress on Laburnum's bed.

(Most ferrets do tend to sleep like the dead.)

But her search yielded nothing, so with sneaky intent

She left them, and into the next room she went.

This one was the room of Naomi and Drake,

And they also both seemed unlikely to wake,

So she went through their stuff with paws small and deft,

But nothing she found, and so once again left.

(After stealing a spork from Drake's famous railgun.

Well, while she was there, she might as well have some fun.)

In her foster-folks' room she kept searching for loot –

Even checking the soundbox of the weasel's lute,

Pulling it from his paws as he sprawled in his chair.

Apparently he does hide his Bleeprin in there.

The gifts weren't there either, but Molly just said,

"If I can't find_ my_ presents, I'll steal some instead!"

So she went through their chocolate stash, then she crept

Downstairs to the rooms where the students all slept.

"And who knows," thought Molly, now filling with cheer.

"Maybe they thought I'd not find my own stuff in here!"

The stockings were hung from the bedposts with care,

Though the textbooks and clothes were still strewn everywhere.

She checked every stocking and rummaged through each,

Though some of the larger ones she did struggle to reach.

Not one single corner escaped this ransack,

As she jammed her loot into a "borrowed" backpack.

She took CDs, and books (even though she can't read),

Lots of sweets, stuffed toys, some girls' makeup and beads,

And a note that was signed by one Mister Claus –

Supposedly – reading "I O U one horse".

She took as much weight as she thought she could cope

With. (She left all the girl students' presents of soap.)

And so many things Molly managed to filch.

Did she find her _own_ presents? Nope. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

Soon she finished with that floor, she'd find no more there,

And so once again did she head for the stair.

But all did not go according to plan.

As she dashed to the staircase and down it she ran,

She tripped on her nightgown, and so down she fell,

With a thump and a crash and an earsplitting yell!

When the students and staff overheard all this clatter,

They rushed from their rooms to see what was the matter.

On the bottom step in an undignified heap

Lay Molly Rath, bruised and beginning to weep.

The stolen gifts lay round her, scattered about.

Her leg hurt, and worse, she had now been found out.

At the front of the crowd, looking extremely mad,

Was Sawney Rath, her biological dad.

"Miss Rath!" yelled Miss Minty, all sympathy gone.

"It's four in the morning! What on Earth have you done?"

Molly tried to get up, but the pain made her groan.

Stormsong checked her leg … and found that she'd broken a bone.

They took back the gifts, cleaned the cut on her head,

And bandaged her leg, then put her back to bed.

At dawn everybeast ran to see what they'd got,

But Molly, the poor little ferret, could not.

She lay in bed sulking for five hours long,

Till she heard the sound of a holiday song …

The PPC agents all burst in the door

Bearing packages, boxes, presents galore!

Foxglove brought Molly's "brother", young Moses the otter,

And Sawney Rath came in to meet with his daughter.

Molly tore all the paper from every toy,

Thanking all her friends, laughing and whooping with joy.

A Sue pelt, books-on-tape, plushies, sweets in a tin,

And – a bad move on Sky's part? – a new violin.

Around noon they brought Molly lunch on a tray,

She wolfed it down while they continued their play.

Then cake, of which Molly ate more than one slice –

And did not really mind when she then threw up. (Twice.)

When they'd finished the games and they'd pulled the wishbone,

Laburnum said, "I think we should leave you two alone.

You should get to actually know one another,

And forget all that business about Molly's mother …

And there's always a foodfight here! That we can't miss!"

So Skyfire gave Molly a hug and a kiss,

And the agents left Molly to talk to her dad –

When not badfic-possessed, he is not all that bad.

"You're a sneaky young brat," the old ferret avowed,

"How perfect! You'll be a great thief! Make me proud!"

So in spite of her fall, Molly had a good day,

And everything really did turn out okay.

The agents went down and joined in the school party

Where students and staff bade them eat and drink hearty.

Laburnum was right, there was a foodfight,

Which soon switched to snow, then went on until night.

And what happened then? Well, ask Drake and he'll say

That their livers all shrank by three sizes that day!

They sang, ate and drank with many a shout

Of joy, then all crawled up to bed and passed out.

So the PPC group all had lots of fun …

_And we wish happy holidays, to everyone._

**[Miss Minty: Kit is busy again, but he sends you all his well-wishes.**

**Let me say this: I am NEVER AGREEING TO WRITE A POEM THIS LONG AGAIN, however simple and Seussish it is. If some of the rhymes seem a little strained, remember A) bad poetry is a fine old OFU tradition, B) it's the Christmas season and I'm of drinking age now, do the maths – don't worry, just kidding on that one. But seriously, I hope you like this, and that you're all enjoying your respective holidays.**

**In case you haven't picked up on this from other stuff I've done, Molly is Sawney's offspring, saved from a badfic by the PPC and inflicted on S&S because they were the only mustelidae at HQ and throwing her in with the human kids would have been too much of a shock. That or the Flowers just like tormenting them. Moses the otterbaby was Tagg's Sue-spawned kid, who has also been adopted by the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. We'll be seeing more of these two once the PPC show up. (We haven't seen the last of the violin either, I didn't just intend that for a rhyme. It won't be showing up until main storyline parts set after Christmas, obviously, but …)**

**Actual chapters will resume some time after my January exams. Happy holidays!**


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm telling you, it's gotta be canon! If it's by the original author, it has to count, unless it's specifically retconned!" Marmalade the Cherry Squirrel declared, waving a paw to emphasize his point.

"Yeah, but this is just a spinoff, and it's for even younger kids than the original series …" Sandflame Montmorency protested.

"What are you guys talking about?" Suzi asked, hopping onto her chair so she could see over Sandflame's shoulder. Being three inches tall had distinct drawbacks.

Marmalade slapped down a small thin book on the table. Suzi read the title; _A Redwall Winter's Tale._

"We're trying to work out whether the Snow Badger actually exists within the canon," the squirrelboy said, scratching his tail. Some of his now decidedly brown-looking leaves fell out.

"Snow Badger?"

"Mystical giant badger which appears at midnight on 'Winter's First Day' and makes it snow," Sandflame explained.

"Oh. Cool."

"Hey, I overheard Miss Minty say it's Winter's First Day tomorrow!" said Sandy Aesevak, leaning over.

The students looked at each other and slowly nodded as they all came to the same conclusion.

"Ladies and gentlebeasts," said Suzi, raising a claw and grinning, "I believe we have a bet."

* * *

"Can't we just set up a camera? I think my phone still has enough battery to work it," complained Tiraamilaen.

"Might not work," explained Suzi, counting the packets of coffee the girls had stolen, borrowed, or bought from various staff members. "We don't know if this Snow Badger would show up on film, a lot of magical things in fiction don't, and if we screw this up we won't get another chance because we'll be back home next winter."

"I guess," said the golden-eyed otter, holding out a mug for her coffee ration. Landred Banwood and Tipardity filled the mug with hot water - somehow both of them had managed to sneak kettles upstairs, probably thanks to calling in favours from staff members.

"Okay, everyone, we need as many people as possible to stay awake at once," said Suzi, clambering onto her bed so everyone could see her better. "That way we have corroborating witnesses." She mused that being here was good for her - three months ago she wouldn't have been able to use the word "corroborating" in a sentence. "If you need to sleep, tell everyone else and try to just take a short nap. Keep your eyes open, if it's going to come it'll be tonight. It'll have to go all round the building so we should be able to see it, and I guess it would be pretty hard to miss a five-hundred-foot white badger. The guys and the Predators are watching out as well, but if you see it and you've still got a working camera try to get a shot of it for proof. Okay?"

The girls who had agreed to join the watch stomped their footpaws and saluted in perfect unison. Being taught by Long Patrol hares and vermin leaders was paying off in that manner as well.

"This is stupid," said Sandflame. "I'm going to bed. Tell me if it shows up."

"Sure, we'll wake you up," said Zeph.

"Please don't, I want to sleep. Tell me in the morning."

"Sensible," said Snowspine. "Please don't wake us up, okay?"

"Awww, don't you wanna see it?" said Fernflower.

"Not enough to give up a night's sleep," said the hedgehog firmly. "I have to get up early tomorrow, I want to go and see my mustelids before class."

"Oh, you're both being so _boring!"_ declared Suzi.

"You know, it's getting near Christmas," said Sandflame with a fixed grin. "Ever hear of the phrase 'goodwill to all men'?"

"Yes."

"Well, technically speaking, you, as a female mouse, are not a man, therefore I am not required to show goodwill towards you. Understood?" With that, Sandflame climbed into bed and rolled over, and Snowspine did the same except with the movements modified slightly to avoid impaling hir spines on the mattress. One or two other girls followed them, a handful looking longingly towards their own beds but staying by the window thanks to peer pressure. Most looked out of the window in eager expectation.

* * *

Next morning, most of the students were dozing in front of the windows, empty coffee mugs clutched in their paws, the few who had brought their music players and headphones still wearing the headphones even though the batteries had all run down from being played at full volume all night. The dawn light woke the sleepers up, and they all rubbed their eyes and looked out of the window.

"Agh! Crap! We must have slept through-" Suzi looked out of the window. "-absolutely nothing?"

Sure enough, there was no snow. Not a single flake.

"This can't be right!" said Oaknin, blinking. "It's a kids' book series! There's _always _snow the second it turns to winter in kids' books!"

The students dashed out of the dormitories and outside without even bothering to get dressed, as if going outside would suddenly produce snow. They scattered across the grounds, ignoring the curious staff members who joined them, and searched every nook and cranny of the outside of the building. No snow, no rain, no frost, no hail ...

"Guys! Guys, I found something!" Aleen Streambattle scurried around the grounds in the manner only mustelidae can master, bounding around like a Slinky toy. "Comean'lookcomean'lookcomean'look!"

Everybeast ran after the young otter to the Abbey pond. It was iced over, thickly enough to look perfect for skating, except for the message apparently deeply carved into the ice. They slowed as they reached it, and stared.

Thom read it aloud. "'This happens every damn year. Stop trying to watch me or I swear I'll run a glacier through the dormitories. Normally I would only send messages in anagram form, but I feel it would be lost on you all so I'm going for the straightforward route. I'm coming back tomorrow night even though it's completely against tradition for me to come on winter's _second_ day, and any student I catch watching me will be turned into an ice sculpture in record time. Sincerely, Snow Badger'."

There was a long silence.

"Well," said Sandflame. "Looks like I owe Marmalade five bucks."

Korora fluttered over the ice and scanned the message. "Wow, anthropomorphic personifications are really touchy."

Meanwhile, Mister Kit looked out of the window at the pond, sighed, and shook his head.

"Alright, Minty, you win. We'll pump sleeping gas into the dorms tonight."

"I _knew_ I'd find a use for all that anaesthetic gas one day!" Minty declared triumphantly, shaking a clenched paw in the air.

"Why do you even _have_ that?"

"Like I said, I knew I'd find a use for it."

* * *

The staffroom was noisy and bustling as always, though around the fireplace and in the corners there were little oases of peace and warmth of which various staff members were taking advantage, sipping hot cordial or mint tea or just catching quick naps before going back to work. Kit and Minty were surrounded by various staff members, mostly vermin, who were demanding a Christmas celebration - "It won't turn out like all the others, Miz, we promise! We got rid of the fireworks, really we did!"

The PPC agents were settled around one of the coffee tables. Laburnum was perched on the arm of the couch, in the middle of teaching Drake to sing "Fairytale Of New York". Somehow they'd managed to get the roles switched around, possibly due to their impressive intake of eggnog. Stormsong was reading _The Day of the Dissonance_, looking up occasionally to correct them on the lyrics. Foxglove was huddled in an armchair, dozing quietly. Naomi, in the form of a honey badger, was sitting on the floor, teaching Blaggut to play Cripple Mister Onion.

There was a knock at the door, but nobeast noticed in the general racket. They did, however, notice the loud siren which immediately started up, waking Foxglove and causing several Dibbuns to start screaming.

"WARNING! WARNING! STUDENT AT THE DOOR!" blared an electronic voice.

Stormsong ran to the door and looked through the peephole, then turned and waved to the staff, who were by this time holding weapons.

Nay, 'tis fine! She be with us."

The alarm ended. Snowspine, looking rather shellshocked after the siren, entered, clutching a bag with two wrapped parcels in it.

"... Bad time?"

"Sorry, the alarm system hasn't been reprogrammed to deal with guest students yet," said Martin, putting the Sword down. "That happens sometimes."

Snowspine shrugged - carefully, what with the spines - and pulled the two presents out of the bag. "Stormy, Sky? I got you some early Christmas presents - well, I didn't think you celebrate Christmas as such, and it's nearly a month away anyway, but why pass up an excuse to get presents?"

"Oh, thanks!" said Skyfire. "We're in a bit of a hurry at the moment, can we open them later?"

Squeaks of annoyance issued from what appeared to be a large bundle of cloth that Skyfire was holding. Close inspection showed it to be Molly Rath, swamped in an oversized coat, at least one thick sweater, daisy-patterned wellies, a tail-warmer with a pompom on the tip, a scarf which wrapped seven times around her neck, and a bobble hat which kept sliding over her eyes. Skyfire was attempting to force mittens onto the tiny ferret's already glove-clad paws.

"What the heck are you doing to that poor kid?" Snowspine asked, looking at Molly. "She looks like a parcel! She can't_ need_ all that, you told me she was raised in the wild and she's a tough little-"

"Sshhh!" Skyfire waved her paws urgently and whispered in Snowspine's ear, trying to avoid the spines. "I know she doesn't need all this, I'm using it as an excuse to lower her mobility so I can keep track of where she is! And the gloves are so she can't use her claws. Shame there's nothing similar I can use for her teeth."

At this point, Drake and Laburnum reached the second verse of their song - the uncensored version, to be precise. Skyfire quickly clasped her paws over Molly's ears and glared.

Stormsong looked up. "Drake! Laburnum! Language, please, there be Dibbuns present!"

"Indeed. I don't think it's appropriate to call someone that in front of Molly," said Skyfire, disregarding the fact that Molly probably already knew far worse words.

"Aww, c'mon," slurred Laburnum, waving the hand holding the mug and sloshing eggnog on the floor. "C'mon, I love this song! 'M reconnecting with my Irish heritage!"

"You've never been to Ireland and your family hasn't been from there since the potato famine," Foxglove pointed out.

"Still counts if I wan' it to. Homeopathic genetics, eh?"

"What about Drake? He's not even European! Technically speaking, he's Japanese!"

"Wouldn' 'e be American 'f he's from the dub version?"

Naomi looked up from her card game with Blaggut. "Oh, he's from the original. You won't believe how long it took me to get him to not mangle English and Japanese. At least he didn't throw in chatspeech."

"We are stopping this conversation right now, and _you_ are toning down your language!" Skyfire let go of Molly's ears. Molly made a mental note to steal something and use it to bribe someone to tell her the words.

"But it's traditional, this song. Laburnum says so ..." Drake complained. The others ignored him.

"Miss Minty said it was okay for me to go shopping in the Real World, she said I should get my shopping for this holiday thing done before the rush. You can come with me when you sober up, if you like. I think I have some Purple Stuff ... here." Skyfire tossed the purple bottle to Laburnum, who swigged it and groaned as the alcohol instantly left her system.

"Not anywhere in England, please. Technically there are probably still warrants out for our arrest there," she said, passing the bottle to Drake. "Oh, reminds me, I guess I should get something for my parents and sister this year now they know I'm alive again ..."

"But Laburnum," pleaded Drake, swigging, "we have the Disguise Generators, can't we just change a few details? I wanna go as a girl again!"

"One day that shapeshifting obsession's going to get you in trouble," Skyfire told him.

"Yeah, I know about when you and Stormsong got zapped with the thing and you got stuck as-"

"And we agreed we were never going to discuss that again!"

"Have fun," said Snowspine, putting the bag down and heading for the door. "I have to get to class. I'll come back this evening, okay?"

"I'll join you!" said Naomi, abandoning the card game. Blaggut shrugged and started laying out the cards for a solitaire game. "I need to stop by an army surplus store to shop for some of the people on my list."

"Can I come? I have some cash burning a metaphorical hole in my pocket," Foxglove said, hopping up. "Some of the students bribed me to let them have coffee yesterday. Don't know why they all wanted coffee suddenly, must be the cold weather or something ..."

"So that's where my coffee went!" Naomi snarled.

"Foxglove, you sure you want to be dabbling in the black market? Think of what the Flowers would say," Laburnum pointed out. "They hate us already after the Trees thing."

"Hey, the pay for Protecting the Plot Continuum _sucks_ considering we're effectively defending everything that exists. I don't see why I can't earn a little extra on the side. Besides, I need it. I have to buy Christmas presents, then those two girls from _Voyage of Slaves_ asked me to help them with their Kwanzaa decorations and I need to find a library so I can look up what the heck Kwanzaa actually _is_, I think it's an American thing they picked up ..."

"Yeah, but still ..." Naomi sounded unsure.

"I'll buy you something extra nice for Christmas."

"Like PS2 nice? If so, you have a deal." Foxglove and Naomi shook paws, grinning. "Also," Naomi leaned forward, "I could use a second helper to back me up, and carry some of the gear I wanted. I lost a bet to Cluny so I have to pick him up a special item. I have no clue where he found out about them, but heck, it would be funny to see them trying to operate a Panzer tank."

"Where the heck are you gonna get that from?" Laburnum asked, pulling out a Portal Generator and handing it to Naomi as Foxglove set the disguises and slapped Drake's paw when he tried to "help". "You pick the co-ordinates."

"I have no clue, but a word of advice; don't take any last minute bets from a warlord, even if you have a flush. It just means they have a royal flush."

They stepped through the portal into the snowy city. It was at that stage where the snow is just falling, thick enough to give the ground a slightly crunchy white overlay without yet having been turned to brownish slush. The beauty was lost on Foxglove, who was staring at Skyfire's hair.

"Weren't you a redhead last time?"

Skyfire pulled her white-blonde braid over her shoulder and examined it. "Hm. Must be because it's ermine season."

Drake looked around, then squealed happily and headed off down the street. Naomi sighed.

"Storm, can you help me with Drake? I think he spotted the army surplus store."

She looked over to see Skyfire glaring at her.

"What? PPC agents do like their bowie and k-bar knives...."

"Fine, let's stop at a pet shop and get a leash. Molly's eaten hers again anyway, she needs a new one too."

"Uncle Storm-eeee! I'm _six!_ I don't need a leash no more!" Molly whined.

"Never mind, Molly, you'll wear it when we're out until you learn to stop running off and eating people."

"No fair, I only did that once an' I never ate a whole person!"

Stormsong swung Molly up onto his shoulders. She started gnawing his ear. By now he was used to it.

"Why don't you try a steel leash this time?" Naomi said, grabbing Stormsong by the hand and pulling him down the road towards the shop into which Drake had disappeared.

"Are we allowed to bring children into-" he started to say as she dragged him off, ignoring him completely.

Laburnum and Foxglove looked at each other. "Bookshop?"

"Hell yeah."

"So what are you getting for everyone?"

"Don't know. I think I should replace the Enya CD Stormsong broke over my head when he tried to exorcise the spirit of Trent Reznor, so that's him sorted ... what about Molly?"

"That depends - would Sky kill us if we gave her live prey?"

* * *

That evening, back in the staff lounge, Naomi was screaming at Drake and Skyfire was helping Stormsong bandage his right paw. Molly was sitting on the floor, playing with something best left unidentified and hiccupping her way through a surprisingly good rendition of "December Will Be Magic Again" (well, she didn't yet know most of the words, so she was mostly singing "la la la", but she was perfectly on-key).

"It wasn't my fault!" Drake protested. Naomi ignored him and continued shouting.

"Can't we have _one_ outing which doesn't end in us never being able to show our faces in that place again without being arrested?" Skyfire complained. "I was so hoping not to have to go through that again."

Naomi wound down and sighed. "Don't I wish."

"It's not my fault!" Drake protested. "What kind of idiot tries to commit armed robbery in a _gun_ shop in the first place?"

"True. But did you have to use the railgun? I'm just glad it didn't hit anyone, but then it made the guy with the revolver jump and ..."

The siren went off again as Snowspine entered. This time shi was expecting it and managed to get through the crowd with no trouble, possibly assisted by the fact that nobody pushes up against a hedgehog in a crowd. Shi noticed the scene, wondered briefly what had happened, and decided shi didn't want to know.

"Hi," shi said, waving a paw in greeting. "Just wanted to see if you were back yet."

"Well, yes, as you can see, we're back." Skyfire put her claw on the final knot as Stormsong finished with the bandaging. "And we have time to open our presents from you now!" She unwrapped her gift. "It's ... a bunch of tapes?"

"From the secret cameras I heard were installed in your shower. I bought all the tapes of each of you before anyone made copies or put them on OFUTube, and I managed to get the cameras removed into the bargain! I didn't have any money so technically Klitch and Romsca each have claims on my soul now, but Minty promised to get the Archangel Gabriel to help her find a loophole in the contracts. Apparently he's good at that."

"... I'm sorry, you lost me at 'secret cameras in our shower'!"

"Ah, it's not the holidays without at least one person wanting to commit murder," Naomi declared cheerfully as Skyfire stormed off. Skyfire's yells of rage and Klitch's pleading for mercy echoed through the staffroom, and the usual din reduced slightly as several staff members stopped what they were doing to listen. "This place really does feel like home."

Snowspine looked slightly crestfallen. "And she didn't even open the card ..."

Stormsong picked up the card that had been attached to his package of tapes, opened it, and read. Happy tears sprang to his eyes.

"A written apology for the death scene ... and for 'everything else that hath happened in my life up to this point'?" Very carefully, he hugged the hedgehog. "Ah, Snowspine, 'twas no need for that - at least half of my life's total misfortune hath been Laburnum and Foxglove's fault! ... well, one-third. The remaining third was Drake's fault."

Drake's ears drooped. "You're _mean."_

Skyfire returned and slumped in a chair. "I'm tired. I'm going to check on the baby and go to bed ... who's babysitting Moses at the moment?" Moses had had to be farmed out to various badger, otter, or hare volunteers among the staff when the musteline agents arrived at the OFUR, because otters are much larger than stoats and weasels and it's hard to take care of a baby that's bigger than you are.

Right on cue, Deyna appeared, exhausted, smeared in milk formula, and holding his sleeping son as if the cub was a bomb that was about to go off.

"Hi, guys," he groaned weakly, sitting down on the floor and trying inexpertly to find a comfortable way to hold the baby. "Awwgh, I'm too young to be a parent. I hate to admit it, but Sawney's better at the domestic thing than I am. Even if he is technically, y'know, evil."

Stormsong looked up curiously at the otter. "I never would have expected thee to volunteer to care for Moses, considering the, ah, circumstances of his birth."

"Hey, he's technically mine, whatever his mother was like. I should see to it that he's growing up right." Deyna shrugged. "Taking responsibility is what I do, ever since that little spat with Sawney."

Skyfire, Naomi, and Drake burst into simultaneous "Awwww"s.

"And I have to keep the little monster till tomorrow morning when Mellus can take him ..." Deyna moaned, getting up. "Agh, I guess I did volunteer. I'm going to bed now, I'll need to go to sleep early because he'll keep waking me up."

* * *

In his room, Deyna tucked Moses into the hastily-set-up crib, where the pup curled up like a furry hat and continued sleeping peacefully, much to his father's relief. Deyna locked the door and lay down, and was just dozing when a pebble rattled against his window. He jumped up and opened the window to see the source of the disturbance.

"HIIIIIII!"

"Dammit, Tira-whats-yer-name!" he hissed as loudly as he could without waking the baby. "Go away! There's a sleeping baby in here!"

"Aww!" Tiraamilaen cooed. "Baaaaby otter! I luvs babies! Can I come up and see him?"

"Please remember my disdain for violence is a personal choice and, given enough provocation, I might rethink it!" Deyna snapped. "You have five seconds to leave! One-"

At this point, he was fortuitously saved from having to compromise his principles by a group of Minis who were patrolling the grounds. Tiraamilaen screamed and fled, Bluefin and Klith snapping at her tail. Deyna smiled, satisfied, and flopped back down on his bed without remembering to close the window. It wasn't terribly cold, and otter cubs have fairly thick pelts, so this wasn't as potentially-dangerous as it would have been with a human baby, but Moses whimpered a little in his sleep and burrowed under his blanket.

* * *

As dawn broke the next morning, there was a knock at the bedroom door. Deyna sprang up, Taggerung abilities allowing him to get into gear upon waking much faster than most normal beings, and opened the door to find the two exorcists.

"Hey, guys," he said, stepping back to let them in. "He's been fine - woke me up once or twice, but that was it."

Skyfire entered the room and found herself facing the open window, and a fine sprinkling of melted snow on the floor. She yelped as she noticed Moses was no longer at the head of the crib, her paw automically reaching for her sword. A happy gurgling made her pause, she looked at the other end of the crib, and she saw Moses gnawing at a piece of paper - well, more drooling on it then actually gnawing, since at two months old he was too young to have any teeth. In his other paw, he clutched a teardrop-shaped crystal threaded on a very long white hair.

"Moses! Bad baby! Very bad baby!" Skyfire reached into the crib and tried to yank the paper out of his paw. "That is _not_ food!"

"Where did he get that from?" Deyna asked confusedly. "I didn't give that to him. Did you? I don't remember seeing it last night."

"Nor do I," said Skyfire, picking up the note and reading the bits not smeared by otter drool. "Hey, I think this is the same poem that was in that book I read to Molly. It's the coded message from the Snow Badger. Must be a prank somebeast's playing."

"I don't think so, I lock my door," Deyna said. "Never known the Snow Badger to leave messages for visitors here before, but it looks like he did this time ..." He held up the beautifully clear crystal. "Yep, this looks genuine. Good going, little fella."

"Deyna, _please_ take that thing away from him! He may swallow it!" Stormsong squinted at the other side of the paper. "Hm, I think something may be written on the other side. 'Tis hard to tell, the ink hath run."

Skyfire turned the paper over. "Hey, you're right. It's a bit smudged, but I think I can make out some of it ... I think it says something about 'beware your sister'?"

"Well, we _know_ Molly may not be the most, ah, emotionally stable of children."

"True. When we get back to HQ I'll see about getting them permanently transferred into the Nursery so they can keep an eye on her. I'm sure they must have dealt with at least one child as difficult as her before, they've had everything else at one time or another ... Strange, though. Has Molly ever been anything but perfectly well-behaved around Moses?"

"Come to think of it, I think not ... she doth leave mine ears looking like sieves sometimes, but she never even looked the wrong way at Moses in my recollection. Still, 'tis better safe than sorry."

"Can you read anything else?" Deyna asked, squinting at the note.

"I don't think so ..."

Before Skyfire could make out any more words, the door burst open and Drake and Molly, each holding pawfuls of snow, crashed into the room.

"SNOWBALL FIGHT!" they yelled in unison, releasing the snowballs in Deyna's direction. He spluttered, spat snow, and laughed.

"Snowball fight, is it? I'll give you a snowball fight!"

"Eek!" Molly squealed and scampered down the corridor, closely followed by Drake, Deyna, and Skyfire, Stormsong following at a more leisurely pace as he examined the crystal pendant. The paper fell to the floor and drifted under the bed.

Mother Mellus was at this point walking down the corridor to pick up Moses for her turn babysitting. She sighed and rolled her eyes as Deyna ran past.

"Tut. Not a good influence, is he?" she said to Moses, holding him up to the window. "And he forgot to close the window - poor little thing, you must have been freezing last night. Look! Your first snowfall! Isn't it pretty?" Moses stared and blew spit bubbles in his usual manner, then clapped his paws once and gurgled happily. "Come on, little fellow, let's get some breakfast and then we can go and look at it close up," said Mellus, leaning the baby otter against her shoulder and heading downstairs.

* * *

**[Miss Minty: Sorry this year's was late, I've just started a new job and therefore have minimal time to write because the school holidays are our busy season. Hope you like this one, anyway. Anyone else actually read "A Redwall Winter's Tale"?**

**According to Wikipedia, Kwanzaa is a non-religiously-connected celebration of African heritage, but that's pretty much all I know. As far as I know, it's not celebrated in the UK, so I have an excuse for having to look it up.**

**Ooh! Foreshadowing or something with the note! Yes, we finally get around to an actual plot. Eventually.**

**Pronouns "hir" and "shi" are not typos, they're gender-neutral pronouns I've seen Snowspine's writer use. Since the parts about hir here weren't from another character's POV, I thought we should use them. Most other student characters will probably still think of hir as female because it's hard to pronounce a difference between "hir" and "her".**

_**The Day of the Dissonance**_** is by Alan Dean Foster, and is part of the **_**Spellsinger**_** series. Those who've read my MSTs will recognise them as the series featuring Mudge the otter and the "----ing unicorn". I think Stormsong would like them. Speaking of whom, I will say it again: go read VQ. And **_**Spellsinger. **_**The "robbery in a gun shop" is based on real events, according to the Darwin Awards. Go look those up too.]**

**[Mr. Kit: Sorry again. We were busy with life. It happens.****And yes, we have a plot. Yes, they have a crisis coming up. More than that, we can't really say.  
****  
****VQ is a good story. Although, just be warned, if you have not read it, be prepared for gruesome deaths.**

**The crystal on the hair may or may not be important. Feel free to make your guesses.]**


End file.
